The Truth of Pain
by JoonBug
Summary: Edward has never been able to read Bella’s thoughts. She tries to make everyone else happy, at the expense of her own happiness. What toll is this sacrifice taking on her? Can she escape the wave of depression that seems to have enveloped her before th
1. Chapter 1

Date: July 20

I should be the happiest girl in the world. My life is perfect to the outward observer. I'm getting married soon to the man of my dreams for eternity. What could possibly be wrong?

I feel as though my life is being lived for me. My friend and soon to be sister-in-law has taken over all the wedding preparations, not even caring that simple is my ideal. My parents don't want me to make the same mistake they did. So they are against it in general. My best friend has run away with no clue to his whereabouts. My fiancé is way over protective and controlling sometimes. And none of these people take the time to think about what I want. They don't care if they hurt my feelings. I feel so smothered all of the time. Breathing becomes complicated.

I don't know what I want anymore. My life isn't turning out, as I would have never imagined. I feel myself shutting down. I feel nothing…I am nothing.

Can you just check out? Can you just say I'm done with all this shit…I can't take anymore?

The pain I feel is nothing compared to the emptiness that accompanies it.

I am surrounded by all of these people, yet I am alone. No one knows my pain. They don't even care. I want to scream out, but my voice wont come.

I've been writing my thoughts and feelings in these bullshit pages for weeks now & I don't feel any better.

**somewhere i have never travelled,gladly beyond**

by E. E. Cummings

somewhere i have never travelled,gladly beyond

any experience,your eyes have their silence:

in your most frail gesture are things which enclose me,

or which i cannot touch because they are too near

your slightest look will easily unclose me

though i have closed myself as fingers,

you open always petal by petal myself as Spring opens

(touching skilfully,mysteriously)her first rose

or if your wish be to close me, i and

my life will shut very beautifully ,suddenly,

as when the heart of this flower imagines

the snow carefully everywhere descending;

nothing which we are to perceive in this world equals

the power of your intense fragility:whose texture

compels me with the color of its countries,

rendering death and forever with each breathing

(i do not know what it is about you that closes

and opens;only something in me understands

the voice of your eyes is deeper than all roses)

nobody,not even the rain,has such small hands


	2. Chapter 2

Date:July 25

I'm checking out. But I keep mixing it up so Alice won't know. I really don't think she's been paying attention to anything except those damn wedding arrangements.

I'm drowning in this life that I've allowed to get away from me. I should have spoken up earlier. I should have asked for what I wanted. This would be the only thing that I will have control over and I will not screw this up!

It's my only chance to breath. I just cant…

I closed the pages of the book I had been pouring my heart into. I only seemed to be able to write in it when I felt no one was listening to me. I guess I had a dazed look on my face, because when Edward came in he rush to my side.

"Bella? Has something happened? Are you okay?"

"Um…oh Edward, yes I'm fine. Just spaced out a bit. Sorry."

"You've been doing that a lot lately. Is there something you want to talk about?"

"No, I'm fine Edward. I just need some fresh air to clear my head." I looked into his beautiful eyes "I'm going to go to the beach." I jumped of the bed and ran to slip on a pair of shoes.

"What's this?" Edward asked as I turned to see him holding my diary.

"Just my diary." I tried to sound nonchalant about it. Hoping that he wouldn't choose to invade my privacy if I sounded disinterested. It seemed to work, he put the book down and followed me out of the room.

I went into the cabinet in the bathroom and took a bottle of pills. Slipping them into my pocket.

Edward's phone rang and he spoke to Alice who in turn wished to speak to me.

"Hey Alice! How's the wedding coming?" I tried to sound interested and excited

"Bella, I just want you to be careful today. Something seems to happen, but I just can't see it. I can only see the end result, which isn't good."

"What's the end result Alice?" I teased, but as I looked into Edward's eyes I knew, she saw me dead. But she didn't know how, so that means she can't stop it. I smiled at that part.

"Just be good today Bella."

"Trust me Alice, I've always been good. No reason today would be any different." I smirked to myself thanking god Edward couldn't read my thoughts. No one could see my pain. I wore my mask well, especially for someone who wasn't a very good liar.

I handed the phone back to Edward, and he spoke to Alice but kept shooting glances my way. Soon he was off the phone and standing in front of me.

"So, what's in your pocket Bella?" he asked sounding suspicious, reaching for me

"Just a bottle of Tylenol." I said, trying to sound innocent as I pulled it out shaking it for him to see. He seemed satisfied with that display.

"Are you feeling ill?" he asked, now sounding worried

"No Edward. My head…it just keeps hurting. No Big thing." I reached to kiss him then I headed out the door.

"Have fun at the beach."

"Sure. See you soon." I waved and jumped into my truck and headed to La Push.

When I got to the beach, I walked along for a while. I tossed a few sticks into the ocean. But mostly I thought. Life was simple here; at least that's how it felt. There was no need for pretense here. Out here I could breath. If life was truly this simple, this peaceful, if that were true I could live.

I wanted to cry into the ocean. I wanted to share my sadness and sense of loneliness with the wind. I was so wrapped up in my sorrow; I didn't see Emily approaching until she placed her arm around my shoulder.

"Bella? Why are you crying?" She asked sweetly

"I'm in pain!" I sobbed

"Bella, please come in with me, it's getting cold out. You don't want to catch your death."

"If only it could be that simple." I whispered

"What?"

"Oh, nothing."

We walked back towards her home, and as we approached Sam came into view and she ran to him. He picked her up into his arms and kissed her.

"Look what I found on the beach." She teased

"Bella."

"Hi Sam."

"It's good to see you again. It's been a while."

"Yes it has. Look, I'm sorry I should go. I never meant to bother anyone" I turned to leave and ran into the arms of a muscular man.

"You could never be a bother." The man laughed as I looked up into his deep brown eyes

"Jacob!" I pulled my arms around him and held my head to his chest

"Well this is a better homecoming than I could have hoped for!"

"Your back!" was all I could say as he kissed the top of my head

"Bella, have you been crying?"

I pulled away from him, and realized that for a moment, the briefest of moments my sun had returned. But it didn't matter because he wasn't my Jacob anymore. His return didn't change how my life was going, hope selfish could I be. Jacob couldn't save me again, no matter how much I wanted him to.

"I better get going. I've got to get back before Charlie gets home."

I ran to my truck crying, leaving Jacob behind. I got to my truck and pulled out my bottle of pills. Valium is a wonderful tranquillizer I thought to myself as I popped a handful quickly in my mouth and took a large drink of my water.

"Bella!" Jacob shouted out "What the hell do you think your doing?"

I had locked my doors, and he stood at my window looked intently at me.

"Open the damn door Bella. I saw you!" he was getting angry

"Jake what are you talking about?"

"I saw you take something. I'm not stupid Bella."

"Um, Tylenol?" I shook the bottle at him "I have a headache Jake"

"Oh, sure. Sorry about that Bells."

"It's okay Jake. But I better go."

"Bella, something doesn't seem right. Are you sure your okay? You know you can talk to me. I care about you Bells."

"I'll be okay soon I promise!" I watched as Jacob turned away from me, and I quickly tossed the rest of the pills in my mouth. After that, I rolled down the window of the truck and called out to Jacob.

"Jacob Black!" he turned to his name being called "I've missed you more than you will ever know. I'm glad I got to see you again." I started to drive away.

"Bella, what are you saying?" I saw him as I passed

"Goodbye Jacob Black. I love you." I drove away leaving him for the second time.

I barely made it home, and Charlie was already there. As I entered the house I started for the stairs.

"Oh, Bella? Alice called, she's been worried about you."

"I'll call her later. Dad, I'm really tired. I'm going to my room."

I went to my room, and fell onto the floor, I didn't even make the bed. All of my fears and problems where gone. I felt only calm and relief as I slipped into unconsciousness.


	3. Chapter 3

**Charlie's POV**

Over the past few weeks, I started to notice a change in Bella. She seemed more distant than usual. I wasn't around a lot but I was able to see that spark gone, her eyes dull and she was distracted more than normal. I felt like she was slipping into the dark depression like before. But I chalked it up to pre wedding jitters.

I was watching a basketball game when she came in.

"Oh, Bella? Alice called, she's been worried about you."

"I'll call her later. Dad, I'm really tired. I'm going to my room." I heard her say as she went up the stairs.

I heard a thump on the floor and figured Bella, must have tripped. She usually would yell out she was fine, but nothing came. I got up to check on her. "Bella? You okay?" I asked. There was no response. I was on the first step only to be distracted by a knock at the door.

I opened the door to see Jacob Black. I hadn't realized he was back. Billy hadn't mentioned it. "Hi Jacob. It's been a while."

"Yes, it has." He replied "Is Bella home?"

"Jake, it probably isn't a good idea. You know she's getting married in a few weeks."

"I know Charlie, but she is my friend. All I want is for her to be happy"

"Actually, I was just head up to check on her."

"Check on her?" Jacob asked curiously

"Yea, I thought I heard her fall. I was going to make sure she wasn't hurt or anything. But she said she was going to rest for a bit, she looks so tired all of the time Jake"

"I'll go check. I'll be right back," he volunteered

He raced up the stairs and knocked on her door. "Bella? It's me Jake." A moment later another knock, "Bella? Oh Christ! Charlie! Call an ambulance," he yelled franticly

I ran to the phone, called for an ambulance and I rushed up the stairs to find Bella unconscious in Jake's arms.

**Jacob's POV**

I was running thru the forest to Bella's house. Something in the way she was acting didn't seem right. I knew I was being paranoid, but I thought it would be best to just talk to her face to face.

I got to the house and Charlie answered the door. He seemed a bit distracted, and then surprised. I guess my dad hadn't told him I was back.

I listened as Charlie went on about this not being a good idea. She was getting married blah…blah. I knew all of this, but it didn't hurt any less.

"I know Charlie, but she is my friend. All I want is for her to be happy" I replied

"Actually, I was just head up to check on her."

"Check on her?" why would he need to check on her I thought to myself

"Yea, I thought I heard her fall. I was going to make sure she wasn't hurt or anything. But she said she was going to rest for a bit, she looks so tired all of the time Jake" Knowing Bella, she had stubbed her toe or something silly like that.

"I'll go check. I'll be right back," I told Charlie and I ran up the stairs to her room before he could stop me. I knocked on the door. "Bella? It's me Jake." There was no response. She must be sleeping I thought. I'm just going to peek; I can't resist how peaceful she looks when she's sleeping. I knocked again, opening the door "Bella?" I said expecting to see her a sleep cuddled up on her bed. Instead I looked in horror at her crumpled form on the floor.

"Oh Christ! Charlie! Call an ambulance" I cried out, panic in my voice as I picked her up gently crushing her to me. "Bella honey. Please wake up…please wake up!" I cried, my tears falling as I looked up to see Charlie standing in the doorway in shock.

**Alice's POV**

I had called Bella's house several times, each time Charlie informed me that she wasn't back yet but that he would have her call me as soon as she walked thru the door.

I was getting inpatient. When my vision of Bella disappeared I was frantic. But when I talked to Edward he casually said Bella was going to the beach. That might mean wolves, which would explain why I couldn't see her clearly.

The vision I had was of Bella dead on the floor of her room, but no clue as to how she got there. I was upset by the 'holes' in my vision, but this was different. Almost intentional, I felt like Bella was hiding something, but then the vision would remain the same. Always the same, I had blocked this from Edward until I could have more to tell him.

I walked over to Edward, I was afraid of how he would react to me not telling him of this vision sooner. "Edward, I'm worried about Bella."

"Oh, Alice, she's fine you even told me so. As long as you can see her-"

He stopped speaking and looked at me concerned. "Alice you can still see her right? Still see our future together?"

"Edward, I'm sorry I should have said something before." I blurted our franticly

"Show me!" he demanded. I let him see the vision I had but this last one had been different. It ended in her room, she was on the floor and then the vision was empty. She was gone.

"When does this happen Alice? How long do I have?" He begged

"Oh Edward" I fell to my knees sobbing "it already has."

I looked up to see him running out the door. Of all of the visions I've had, god I hoped I was wrong about this one.


	4. Chapter 4

I raced to Bella's house, hoping to find Bella, sleeping peacefully in her bed. When I arrived at the house, it was empty. She had to be at the hospital that was the only place she could be. As if to answer my thought, my phone rang.

"Hello? Bella?"

"No, Edward. It's Charlie. Bella is at the hospital, please come as soon as you can." He cried into the phone

"Is Bella okay Charlie? What happened?"

"Please just hurry Edward."

I raced off to the hospital as quickly as I could. I ran thru the door seeing Charlie and Jacob. What the hell was he doing here? Well I guess that's why Alice didn't see parts of the vision, all Because of him.

"Charlie? How is she? Can I see her?"

"she took an overdose of pills Edward. When they brought her in she was unconscious, her heart was barely functioning. But, your father saved her. Somehow he knew what she had taken, just by the look of it. I guess she-" he was sobbing and couldn't continue

"It was Valium, but it was in a Tylenol bottle." Jacob continued "When I ran into her at the beach, I saw her take something. But she showed me the bottle and said she had a headache. I thought Tylenol, no big deal. Fortunately, she didn't take them all. She still had the bottle in her pocket when she was brought in, and when Dr Cullen saw the pills he knew what they were and how to treat her. Without his quick thinking, she would be dead."

"What the hell was she thinking?" I murmured to myself

"I don't think she was. She seem preoccupied when I saw her earlier, she just seemed off." Jacob said

I knew Bella had seemed a bit down, but I would never have thought she was suicidal. This has to be a mistake. She was never that depressed, never that emotional. Why hadn't Jasper sensed her mood? Why wouldn't he have said anything?

"Dr Cullen! How is Bella?" Charlie said bringing my attention back to reality

"She will be fine. Luckily, I we were able to give her medication, which countered the effects of the Valium. We've given her fluids, and her heart has returned to a regular rhythm. She may not remember much about after she took the pills but she is sleeping now and needs to rest."

"Can I see her now?" I asked

"I can take you to her room, all of you. But please be brief, less than 5 minutes like I said she needs to rest."

When we got to the room, she was tucked into the bed, the heart monitor was registering a solid beat. Except for that and the IV, she was peacefully sleeping. I bent over to kiss her, and the beat picked up speed on the heart monitor.

"My baby girl. Why? I can't understand. I thought she was so happy, at least that's what she wanted us to believe I guess." He said to Jacob

"Charlie, thank God we found her in time. Thank God " was all Jacob said tears welling in his eyes

Carlisle came in and put his hand on my shoulder. "Charlie, the hospital will call you if there is any change. But, everything looks good so far."

"Thank you Dr Cullen. I know she is in good hands with you."

Charlie left, with Jacob and Carlisle and I followed behind. After the others where out of hearing distance " Carlisle, what the hell happened?"

"Edward, humans can be unpredictable. Emotions aren't easy to control for them."

"I was thinking earlier, why didn't jasper sense her pain or sadness? He always knows her feelings and can control them."

""I don't know, he should have been able to tell how she was feeling. But he doesn't have to do anything about it, if he doesn't want to Edward."

"So, why wouldn't he have wanted to help Bella if she was feeling like that?"

"I can't say. We should talk to him. See if he noticed anything."

I looked back into the room and saw Bella stirring. I was by her side in an instant.

"Edward" she croaked "Where am I?"

"Your at the hospital Bella. You overdosed on some medication. But you're going to be fine." I kissed her cheek softly and I saw tears stream from her eyes

"Bella, please don't cry. Everything will be okay."

"No it won't Edward. I tried to kill myself and for what… I 've never felt this way before… like it wasn't me."

"What did you say?" I asked curiously

"What?" she looked confused

"You said 'like it wasn't me'"

"Sort of like someone was controlling my emotions, forcing me into depression. I know it sounds crazy. I think maybe I am crazy Edward!"

"Bella, calm down. You're not sounding crazy. We need to think this about this. When did this start…the depression I mean?"

"I don't know Edward" she sobbed, " It just seemed to come on all of a sudden. I guess a few weeks ago maybe."

"Did anything odd happen a few weeks ago?"

'No Edward, I've spent most of my time with your family. That's all, maybe I've been talking more with Jasper, but other than that."

"Jasper…?" I needed to talk to him; maybe he had inadvertently affected Bella somehow. If he did for his sake, it better have been an accident.


	5. Chapter 5

I kissed Bella on the cheek and excused myself to make a call. I stepped out of the room and quickly had Alice on the phone.

"Alice, I need to talk to Jasper. Is he home?"

"Yes Edward, but I know what your thinking and Jasper would never-"

"I just want to talk to him, that's all. To see if he noticed anything odd about Bella's behavior, nothing more."

"Well, I want to visit Bella, so we will be there in say 5 minutes?"

"Perfect Alice, thank you."

"Not a problem!" She chirped

I went back into Bella's room. She looked so tired,

"Alice and Jasper are coming over, do you think you'll be up for it?"

"Sure, just as long as Alice doesn't talk wedding plans I'll be all set." She smiled softly

"Oh Bella!" Alice ran in and hugged her "You look tired."

"I'll be fine Alice. No worries!"

I watched as Jasper looked in thru the glass window, but he didn't come in the room. He just watched Bella and Alice. I couldn't read him; it was like he was blocking me.

"Where's Jasper?" Bella asked

"Oh, he's right outside. He's just being cautious."

Bella looked and saw Jasper at the window. She waved him in and gave him her soft sweet smile. He smiled tentatively and with his head down he came in the room.

"How are you feeling Bella?" he asked

"Fine for someone, who downed a bottle of narcotics for no apparent reason!" she teased

But I noticed something slipped with Jasper thoughts,

_I never meant for this to happen…God what have I done _he thought

"Jasper, what have you done?" I growled at him as Alice looked irritated and Jasper just looked plain stunned.

"Edward! I know your upset about Bella, but there is no reason to take it out on jasper." Alice said "Jasper tell him?"

Jasper just looked at her

"Jasper?" she questioned "Damn it Jasper Hale, did you have anything to do with this?"

I was trying to hold my temper back, after all we where at the hospital and in public, Carlisle needed to be here, I had been focused on Jasper and Alice, I suddenly looked over to Bella, who was trying to fight to keep her eyes open but they rolled back a bit and I noticed she started to convulse. She was seizing

"Stop Jasper! Stop!" Alice shrieked as I pushed the emergency button in the room and the nurse came running

"I'll get the Doctor!" the nurse yelled

"Alice, get him out of here! I don't know what he's doing to her! Just leave!"

"Bella! Bella! Please honey!"

Carlisle came in and worked on Bella, he gave her several medications and soon the convulsions slowed, and her breathing regulated.

"Edward, what happened her. She was fine when I left her."

"Alice and Jasper came to see her." I looked directly at Carlisle "Jasper has done something to Bella. I couldn't get what he did exactly but he was blocking his thoughts from me, and what did get thru he said he never meant for this to happen, and god what had he done."

"That does sound like he had some influence with Bella, but we need to talk to him about it. Yelling at him isn't going to help the situation. You need to be calm. Actually it would be better if I talked to him alone."

"No! He needs to take responsibility for what he's done."

"Edward. First we need to find out if he's even done anything wrong. You need to stay with Bella, she needs you and right now, this is where you belong."

**Carlisle's POV**

I left Edward to watch Bella, with the express direction that if anything else happens he needed to call me immediately.

I arrived at home to find Alice holding Jasper, who seemed visibly upset.

"Alice? Jasper? Can I talk with you for a moment?"

"It's not a good time now Carlisle." Alice said worry in her voice

"We need to figure out what happened, we need to resolve this."

"She needs to go! That is the only resolution!" Jasper spat

"Whom do you mean Jasper?" I knew it was Bella, but I needed to see his reaction

"Bella! I can't handle being around her; I want to hurt her Carlisle. I'm slipping, and next time I don't think I can stop."

"Jasper, what have you done exactly?" I looked into the frenzied eyes of my son

"I never meant for her to kill herself, I only wanted her to go away. I wanted to remove the temptation. You know as well as I do, Edward will never allow her to be changed! I can't take it anymore. I just wanted to depress her enough that she would leave. I never thought she would…oh God what have I done!" He fell to the ground

I saw Alice looking at him, and turned to see Rosalie and Emmett glaring

"What the hell did you do to Bella?" Emmett's voice boomed

"I didn't mean it. I didn't mean it." Jasper sobbed

"I'm going to rip-" Emmett continued

"Please Emmett, calm down! That isn't going to help the situation. I made Edward stay at the hospital so there wouldn't be a fight."

"But you can't just sit there Carlisle and do nothing, after he's hurt Bella! Our sister. Your daughter."

"She's nothing to us Emmett! She's food, nothing more!" Jasper growled and charged towards Emmett

I watched as Alice, tried to pull Jasper back but he was crazed.

"Emmett, Alice and Rosalie, help me get Jasper to the basement. We need to contain him before he hurts Bella or anyone else!"

"No problem Carlisle!" Emmett said as we circled Jasper

My phone rang, the voice of panic, Edward was calling. Bella was having another seizer, this one was worse than before and the Doctor working on her hasn't been able to clear her airway.

"Can you take it from here? Bella's crashing and I need to get to the hospital."

I saw all four of the freeze in place as I left the house. They seemed to understand the gravity of the situation, "Just lock me in the basement Alice, and then go be with Bella." I heard Jasper softly speak in the distance.

I got to the hospital, to find Bella had been put on a ventilator, and now seemed to be unresponsive. Edward was in hysterics. He rushed towards me, "Do something! You said she was going to be fine! This isn't fine!" he cried

"Calm down Edward. Let me see what's happened. Please give me a moment."

I walked over to the nurse's station and took her chart. Dr Roberts had attended her; I needed to speak with him, to get more information. "Please page Dr Roberts for me. Thank you!" I asked the nurse

I waited for a few minutes, and asked her to call again. But I saw him, just as he rounded the corner.

"Carlisle, what can I help you with?"

"Matt, I need an update on a patient of mine. You covered her during a seizer she just had. Isabella Swan?"

'Oh…yes. I wasn't able to stabilize her right away, she was in respiratory distress and that son of yours wouldn't allow me to treat her initially. He wanted to wait for you, but once her oxygen level and heart rate dropped dramatically he seemed to understand the dire nature of her condition and stopped fighting me I had to intubate her and we've placed her in a medical induced coma to calm her system and allow for her to heal."

"Thank you Dr Roberts for what you've done for Bella. I would like to apologize for my son's erratic behavior. Bella is his fiancé and-"

"Carlisle, how he reacted is perfectly understandable. I'm just glad I was able to be of assistance." He shook my hand and I went to find Edward.

As I approached him, he had already read my thoughts

"Bella will be fine Edward. Please relax."

"It's just very difficult for me to see her like this."

"I know, it's hard on everyone, but you especially." I said softly " Edward, I spoke to Jasper."

"And?"

"He never meant for her to die, he just wanted her away. Bella in close proximity to Jasper has been tempting him. He thought if she was depressed she would call off the wedding and leave."

"But, why would he do that to her…to me?"

"He feels your reluctance to change her. He thinks once your married that you will continue to refuse changing her. Jasper can't continue to live with her as a human Edward. He called her…food Edward!"

I noticed the anger flash in Edwards eyes when I said the last word.

"He's right."

"What do you mean Edward? What is Jasper right about?" I asked confused

"After the wedding, I was going to refuse to change her. I can't kill her Carlisle. I just can't bring myself to do it."

"Edward, I can't believe that you would break your word to her. You promised Bella to change her after she marries you. You can't go back on that promise. She will be furious!"

"I know, that's why I think it would be best to call off the wedding."

"Even with calling off the wedding Edward, she will expect that you change her. You know that don't you?"

"Yes, that's why I need to leave again. And this time I can never come back."

"Edward! You cannot abandon Bella again. She will not survive, you will not survive!"

"It's the only way to keep her human."

"After over 80 years, I don't feel like I know you at all. How could you do this again to her Edward? I thought you wanted to be with her, I thought you loved her?"

"I do Carlisle and that is why, I'm letting her go."

" Then if your going, I suggest you go now."

"But I want to talk to Bella, try to-"

"Edward, just go! You will never be able to explain your choices again to Bella in a way she will ever understand. You just need to leave, I'll take care of her."

"I want you to promise me Carlisle, that you wont change her, you wont make her one of us."

"Edward, I don't think I can make that promise."

"She needs to live her life, she deserves happiness, a family everything I can't give her. I want her to live…I want her to die, on her own…naturally"

I felt my pager; go off it was an emergency "Well son…it looks like your getting your wish." I ran down the hall to Bella's room


	6. Chapter 6

I followed Carlisle down the, as we headed to Bella's room. Several Dr's and nurses trying to restart her heart surrounded her.

"What's happening to her Carlisle?"

"Edward, I thought you were leaving. Just go!"

"But Bella-" I was interrupted abruptly as Carlisle glared at me

"I wont save her that way Edward, she would be heartbroken knowing you've left her again and having eternity to be reminded of it. I need to help her if I can, the conventional way, and if I can't, well that shouldn't matter to you. She was going to die eventually. Just go Edward! I can't look at you right now!" his venomous words stung me to the core

I ran from the room, I was so conflicted with my guilt. I couldn't let her die and yet I couldn't have her live this existence. My beautiful Bella, If I things where as they should be, I would never have existed. I would never have ruined her life, ruined her chance at human happiness.

I had run to our meadow instinctively, but the place felt empty without her. Bella was my world and she was slipping away from me. I was letting her slip away! When she needed me the most, once again I've abandoned her to her own fate.

My phone rang and as I saw the number, I knew what awaited me on the other line. I couldn't face it, but I had to know.

"Hello Carlisle." I said hesitantly

"I thought you would want to know how Bella is. Am I correct in that assumption? Do you still care Edward?"

"Of course I care! How the hell can you possibly think that I don't care!"? I yelled into the phone

"Edward, son can you really live without Bella? Answer me honestly Edward." He demanded

"Why are you asking this? What is going on?"

"Answer the damn question Edward! Can you live without her or not?"

I was stunned at Carlisle's abruptness. He never spoke to me like that, what could be the relevance of his questions. " I still don't understand why-"

"Because she's dying Edward! I need to know that you'll be okay with that because of how you reacted the last time."

"I don't think I can go on without-" I was attempting to put into words the deepest emotions I held for my love but I heard the other physician speak to Carlisle. 'Time of death 10:42'

"What? What did he just say!"? I asked frantically

"Edward…" he paused "She's gone."

"What? I thought you would save her!" I cried

"You asked me not to…. don't you remember."

"But…But… I need her Carlisle!" I sobbed, "I can't exist without her. I just cant"

"I'm very glad to hear that Edward. Meet me at home in 5 minutes."

"Why? What's going on?"

"I'll explain everything to you, please just go home."

I hung up the phone and ran as quickly as I could. I couldn't think straight, what the hell was Carlisle talking about. Then clarity hit me. He must have changed her, that's what he did! He would never want me to be alone for eternity.

I climbed the front steps to my house, as Alice ran out of the door and hugged me.

"Edward, I'm so very sorry! I didn't know."

I pulled away from her "What are you talking about?"

"Didn't Carlisle tell you."?

"No Alice he didn't. Carlisle asked me to meet him here." I looked at her sad eyes "Alice, what is it that I don't know?"

She just looked at me speechless. "Tell me now Alice!" I yelled as I shook her shoulders

"Edward, let Alice go." Carlisle said from behind me

I turned to him for answers "Carlisle, where is Bella? Is she in the car?" I asked hopefully

"Edward what are you talking about. I told you she's gone."

"But I thought you-" I stopped and looked at his sad eyes

"No Edward, I didn't turn her just as you requested."

"So she's dead then. You just let her die!" I cried

"Edward please calm down. I need you to stay calm."

"How can I when she's dead!"

"Edward, I never said she was-" Carlisle began

"Please Carlisle, if she isn't dead then where is she?" I begged

"Gone…" was all he would say


	7. Chapter 7

"Carlisle, please tell me what's going on!" I demanded

"After you left, we were able to stabilize her. She was fine. It had just been a reaction to the drugs. After that Charlie came in with some Doctor and began explaining how she was to be transferred to a psychiatric hospital in Seattle. It seems Charlie found some journal of Bella's that has some extremely disturbing content. This incident along with the cliff diving earlier in the year has Charlie concerned."

"But Bella's not suicidal. It was Jaspers influence!"

"But they don't know that. Bella doesn't even know that. She still thinks she tried to kill herself for no reason."

"We've got to stop this. They can't take her away!"

"I'm afraid they already have. Charlie authorized the transfer."

"He can't do that, she is an adult. She doesn't have to go." I persisted

"Charlie is her father, she is currently deemed incapable of making decisions for herself. They see her as a danger to herself."

"That is completely absurd! I have to speak with Charlie about this."

"Well, he should be at his house picking up some of Bella's things for the hospital. Maybe you could catch him before he leaves."

Without saying another word I raced to Bella's house. I had to convince him that she was fine; he just needed a chance to talk to Bella herself.

I spotted his car in the driveway, and ran to the door knocking frantically.

"Come in Edward. I was just trying to call you." Charlie said gravely

"How is Bella doing Sir? My father mentioned her being transferred."

"Yes, her mother and I feel that she requires 'special treatment'"

"Charlie, if I may. Bella is the strongest person I know. She would have never do anything like this."

"But she did Edward. She tried to kill herself, she wanted to leave us all behind. This was not the first time either."

"If your talking about the cliff diving, it was only for recreational-"

"This isn't even about the cliff diving. I read her journal Edward. I have heard her unspoken thoughts, her fears and concerns. She has written it all down, and I am very worried about her mental state."

"What are you talking about Charlie? What did it say?" I was worried now. What if she had exposed my family outed us as vampires without ever meaning to.

He tossed some copied pages at me and I looked at them in astonishment. Bella's written thoughts, words she never wanted to share with me.

**I feel myself shutting down. I feel nothing…I am nothing.**

**Can you just check out? Can you just say I'm done with all this shit…I can't take anymore?**

**The pain I feel is nothing compared to the emptiness that accompanies it. **

**I am surrounded by all of these people, yet I am alone. No one knows my pain. They don't even care. I want to scream out, but my voice wont come. **

**I've been writing my thoughts and feelings in these bullshit pages for weeks now & I don't feel any better**.

"Charlie, what is this?" I asked stunned

"I have made copies of he journal for the hospital. They need to know her state of mind before she tried to kill herself." He stopped abruptly and began to cry uncontrollably

"Charlie, have you spoken to Bella? Are you sure she would want to go to this hospital?"

"Edward at this point I don't care what she wants. She is sick and needs help! Don't you want her to be well?"

"Of course I do Charlie, but I don't think sending her off to a psychiatric hospital alone to be drugged and analyzed is what she needs right now."

"Then what would you suggest Edward, please tell me because when this happens again. Most likely your not going to be the one to find her in the bathtub with her wrists sliced open!" He screamed and I shuddered at the thought

"Charlie be rationally, Bella would never-"

"Don't you dare tell me she would never. I thought she would never do what she already has done! I'm scared Edward. I am frightened to death of losing my daughter."

I looked at Charlie's sad contorted face. He cared so much for his daughter. He only saw the picture that was presented to him. In that picture, Bella did appear to be unstable and suicidal. "May I come with you to Seattle. I want to be supportive Charlie."

"Of course you can. But I warn you if the Doctor feels that your presence is distracting or detrimental to her recover. I would ask that you leave."

"I understand completely Sir. I would never do anything that would impact her recovery."

I waited while Charlie gathered the remaining items for Bella, and then we started the journey to the hospital in Seattle. He drove the speed limit. He was a cop after all. But that gave me on opportunity to read the journal copies her provided to me. As I made my way thru them I grew angrier at Jasper for his interfering with her emotions.

**Would anyone really even miss me if I were gone? No. I don't think even Edward would miss me. He would get over me and eventually I would just be some dumb girl he knew that couldn't handle the pressure of life…**

**When I talked to Jasper today, he really seemed to understand me. He suggested I go visit Renee for a while. Clear my head, get away from it all. But I only feel like that would be running away from my problems and not facing them. The darkness that surrounds me is the deepest of pools. I have no safety line like I thought I did. I am drowning in my own sorrow. My blood flows freely, trapped within this body. It begs for release. **

**One cut. Maybe two, and that will do…**


	8. Chapter 8

The pages dropped to the ground. I was unable to fully grasp how Bella could have thought or felt anything this dark. She always seems so together. For the remainder of the drive I gazed out the window, watching life pass me by. This life that Bella wanted to 'check out' of.

When we arrived at the hospital, we waited to see the Doctor who would see her through treatment at this facility.

We were ushered into a sterile office. The walls littered with his diplomas and credentials attesting to his alleged qualifications.

"Mr. Swan, Mr. Cullen. I'm Doctor Scott. Please have a seat."

"Thank you Doctor." Charlie said

"Now, to start, do you have the journal pages?"

"Yes I do."

"Thank you Mr. Swan. I've been to see Bella just before I came here and I'm sorry to say that I am extremely concerned by the state she's in."

"How is she Dr Scott?" I asked

"She currently is very sedate and calm. We gave her some medication to help her into that state. When she came in, she was almost wild. Claiming she didn't belong here, and crying out for you Edward. That is your first name, correct? Edward Cullen?"

"Yes, I'm Edward." I glanced over to a panicked Charlie who now was second-guessing his choice to bring her here

"But she okay, she didn't hurt herself again?" Charlie asked the Doctor

"Oh no. She won't have an opportunity to do that here. We will keep her under control during her stay."

"You mean medicated." I muttered

"Yes Edward, medication is part of the treatment. At this time, I'm guessing you both would like to see her?"

"Yes." We both said, almost in unison. We got up and waited for the Doctor to show us to Bella

We followed him through several sets of locked doors, and soon he stopped at a steel door with a small glass window.

"Now, please remember she has been sedated. The nurse has informed me that we had to use restraints on her. Please stay clam and remember that treatment is for her own good."

He opened the door, and Charlie saw her first, he let out an audible gasp and I quickly looked in and my dead heart fell. She was strapped down to the bed, with her eyes glazed open. She didn't even move. She didn't react to us at all.

"What the Hell is this Dr Scott?" Charlie asked

"I told you Mr. Swan, she had been acting out when she arrived."

"I'm not sure I like this, she doesn't need to be sedated or restrained." I said looking at both Charlie and the Doctor "Please Charlie, can we take her home." I practically begged

Charlie looked at me momentarily as if he agreed with me, but then said, "Edward, this is very difficult to see, but it's in Bella's best interest. She needs to get better."

"Charlie, this is not going to get her better. Being locked up in a small room, sedated!"

"This kind of attitude will not be helpful to her. I think it would be better if you don't return Mr. Cullen." Dr Scott said dryly

I walked over to the bed, looking directly into Bella's eyes. She showed no signs of recognition. Her lips were dry and a small amount of drool had come from her mouth.

"Please Charlie." I begged "Can they please at least not sedate her like this. How can she get better in this state."

"I do agree with Edward on that point Dr Scott. I made this decision without even telling her. She was most likely frightened and didn't know what was going on. When she wakes up, if I can just explain to her why she's here. I'm sure she will be more cooperative."

"We can explain everything to her. Anyway the sedative will wear off after you two have left."

I leaned over and kissed her on the cheek. "I love you Bella. I'll see you soon."

Charlie copied my action speaking to her "Bella, we'll see you in the morning sweetheart."

We were then ushered out and told to some back the next day.

When we got to the car I couldn't contain my anger any further "Charlie, she doesn't need to be here and you know that. You have to see that."

"Edward, why don't we give it a few days and see how she does."

"I don't want her to think I've abandoned her in that place!" I said

"I know, but we need to get her better somehow."

My phone rang, and I picked it up knowing it would be Alice

"Edward, you can't leave her in that place. I was in a place like that, I don't want her there." She demanded

"Now I see why you wouldn't remember anything. She was so out of it Alice, all of the drugs they must have given her to calm her down." As the words came out I realized that Charlie was hearing this "Anyway Alice, there is nothing I can do for her tonight."

Charlie and I decided to stay at a hotel in Seattle so we couldn't have to drive back and we could get over to see Bella early in the morning. When we got to the hotel and I was alone in my room, I was consumed by my feelings. I picked up the pages of Bella journal. One phrase stood out at that moment from all of the others.

**No one knows what I'm capable of…**

What could she have possibly meant by that? She was so conflicted and I was worried for her. I knew one thing for sure and that was Bella couldn't stay in that place. She needed to come home with me. Tomorrow I was going to try my hardest to make Charlie see I'm right, and that Bella needs to return home.


	9. Chapter 9

First thing the next morning Charlie and I made our way to the hospital. I watched Charlie approach one of the ward nurses and ask to see Bella. The nurse seemed overly anxious and referred us to speak directly to the Doctor.

I was curious why she was being so hesitant to help us; I listened to her thoughts and was immediately angered by what I heard.

_Oh, shit I hope I don't get into trouble for sedating her again. She wasn't cooperating or obeying me. I didn't have a choice; I just can't deal with these psychos anymore_

I glared at her as she dialed Doctor Scott.

"Dr. Scott, Bella Swan's family is here to see her. I thought you would want to have a word." She looked at Charlie and quickly away, careful to not meet his gaze "I'll let them know."

"I'm sorry, it wont be possible for you to see her today."

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?" Charlie demanded

"She hasn't been assimilating as well as we would have hoped." The nurse said

"She's only been here a little over a day, she needs some time to understand what is happening." Charlie stammered hopelessly

"Please, just let us see her. We just want to know she's okay." I said in a calm voice

"I really shouldn't" the nurse looked at me and I flashed her a brilliant smile attempting to dazzle her "Well, only for a minute. Come on." She motioned for us to follow.

We headed back towards her room and Charlie and I expected her to stop. But she continued on. Charlie and I looked at each other confused. "Excuse me, but I thought she was in-" I began

"Oh, she had to be moved. She was too much, well, too violent to be left on the regular ward."

I could tell Charlie was nervous and we followed the nurse to a door that didn't have a window, just a small slit to check on the patient

The door was unlocked and we entered the 'cell'. Bella was lying on the ground facing the wall. She had wrapped her arms around her; possibly to keep warm I wasn't sure. I rushed over to look into her vacant eyes.

"I think I've seen enough Charlie. I think we should be going now." I picked Bella up and turned to the door to leave. Charlie once again let out an audible gasp as he took in Bella's state.

"I'm sorry sir, but you can't just take her."

"That is exactly what I plan on doing. " I looked to the nurse practically daring her to stop me. Then I looked to Charlie who just seemed confused. He didn't like seeing her like this, but he did still feel that she needed treatment.

I saw the nurse step towards the door "I'm going to need security in here now." She called

"That wont be necessary, her father and I will be checking her out of your 'fine facility' today"

"Edward." Charlie said, "Please put her down."

"No Charlie, I can not leave her here. Just look what they've done to her!"

"Let's talk to the Doctor."

"It's too late for that Charlie. Look at her!"

Dr Scott entered the room and took in the situation.

"Why don't you put the patient down and come into my office. We need to talk."

"No!" I persisted

"I would hate to have you forcibly removed from this facility Mr. Cullen." He threatened

I really didn't have a choice but to listen, if Charlie chose to keep her in this hellhole I would need to be able to have access to her.

I placed her back on the ground, kissing her forehead "I'll be right back love." I spoke tenderly to her and turned to exit the room with the others.

We made our way to the Doctor's office and he immediately began to speak of treatment options and what was 'best' for Bella.

I interrupted at that. "What is best for Bella is to come home immediately."

"I'm sorry to disagree with you Mr. Cullen, but in my professional opinion Bella is very sick. She is going to need extensive analysis and possibly receive ECT."

"What kind of treatment is that?" Charlie questioned but I already knew and my cell phone started to buzz but I had to ignore it

Before Dr Scott could begin, I let Charlie know just what they had planned for his daughter.

"Charlie, ECT is Electroconvulsive therapy." I said, as Charlie looked confused "It's 'shock treatment'

"Oh, NO! NO!" he demanded, "That's not what was discussed initially. You said it would just maybe be medication. You never mentioned the constant sedation or this ...this shock treatment! No, I can't see that as necessary."

My phone kept buzzing and I finally answered it, to tell the caller to stop, but it was Alice screaming into the phone

"You have to stop them Edward. She can't get anymore!" she demanded

"I know Alice, I'm talking to the doctor about the sedation now. They wont-"

"Not the sedation!" she interrupted "the treatments, make them stop the treatments!"

"They haven't-" and then it came; they had already started with the ECT treatments. I hung the phone up and walked over to the Doctor and Charlie

"Dr Scott, when were you going to tell us that you already started the ECT treatments?"

He looked stunned when I knew his secret. "She was so violent, we had to do something. She just couldn't be controlled." He attempted to stay calm and professional

"You've already done this to her?" Charlie was angry

"Yes, we have-" the Dr began and I saw Charlie push him up against the wall.

"I'm taking my daughter and we are leaving." I pulled Charlie back and we moved to go to retrieve Bella

We walked to the door to her room and Charlie demanded to see her. Once the door was opened I rushed to her side. She seemed a bit more coherent, but only slightly

"Help me." She managed to say before she closed her eyes

"Edward, I just can't believe this. I never should have brought her here, but I couldn't have known" Charlie said angry with himself for not protecting his daughter

"It will be fine now Charlie. We'll take her back to Forks; Carlisle will check her out to determine if any permanent damage has been done. She's going to be fine."

"But what if she tries to kill herself again?" he asked me

"Bella can be seen by a therapist on an outpatient basis when she has recovered from this ordeal if you wish."

"Thank you Edward. That sounds like a good idea."

I carried her to the car, and placed her in the back. I sat down next to her, placing her hear in my lap. Charlie got into the car and turned to look at Bella, asleep in my arms.

"God Bells, please I hope you can forgive me for this." He said and I saw a tear stream down his cheek

"Let's get her home Charlie."

He nodded and started the car. At least now she was out of that 'hospital' and we where on our way home. I looked down into the sweet face of my only love and I was filled with such relief. I was grateful that she was safe in my arms, and no one was going to take her from me. No one…


	10. Chapter 10

Bella slept for what seemed like eternity. I convinced Charlie to let me take her to my home, since Carlisle would be here to monitor her closely. He hesitantly agreed, but asked me to keep him informed on her condition and said that her would stop by after work to check on her.

"You have nothing to worry about Charlie, I'll never let anything bad happen to her." I assured him

"I know Edward. You really love her." He said as a statement of fact and not a question but I answered it anyway.

"Yes Charlie, I love her with all of my heart." I spoke honestly

Alice was acting strange around Bella, well at least she seemed strange to me. I noticed that she never left Bella's side and was even holding her hand.

"Alice? Are you okay? You seem very…" I trailed off. Of course she was concerned for Bella, but she seemed over concerned if that was possible

"Edward, I need to be here for Bella. I should have seen…I should have known how Jasper was effecting her." She said with remorse

"Alice, Jasper was able to hide this from us all. Please don't think like that." I tried to comfort my sister

"But they got to her, they hurt her Edward! You have no idea what that's like." She said quietly

"Your right, I don't. But you do, so I know you must be anxious for her to wake up."

"Yes, I am." She said

I noticed Bella shifted in bed, and then her eyes shot open as she practically jumped out of bed. She looked around with a wild look in her eyes.

"How did I get here?" she said franticly

"Your father and I brought you home Bella." I stepped towards her and she took a step back "How are you feeling?"

"Not so good. Where's the bathroom?" she asked and I pointed in the direction as I looked at Alice confused

"Thanks" Bella managed as she ran for the bathroom and immediately emptied the contents of her stomach

I turned to Alice, "Is she okay? What's wrong with her?"

"She is sick from all the drugs in her system and the shock treatment Edward. She'll come around."

I continued to listen as Bella was still vomiting. I walked over to the door and lightly knocked.

"Don't come in!" she screamed franticly

'Bella, are you okay?" I asked concerned

"I'm fine. I'll be fine!" she sobbed

"You don't sound fine, may I come in."

"No! Just please leave me alone Ed-" she couldn't finish because she was taken over by the nausea again.

"Alice, please ask Carlisle to come up." I asked

Within moments Alice was back with him.

"What is wrong Edward? Alice says she hasn't stopped vomiting."

"She's been in there a while and she wont let me in. I think something's wrong."

"Bella, it's Carlisle can I come in?"

She didn't respond to his question, and he turned the doorknob. It was locked.

"Edward, do you have a key?"

"No." I looked at him nervously

"I'm going to break it down." And with that the door was off it hinges and we found Bella passed out on the floor.

Carlisle ran over and immediately checked her pulse.

"Carlisle?" I asked

"She's fine Edward. Just dehydrated from the drugs and the vomiting. She's going to need fluids. Alice, please get my bag. I'll run an IV for her." He looked into my concerned eyes "She's fine Edward." He reassured me.

I took a towel and dampened it, wiping her face of the sweat beads that formed on her forehead. I gently picked her up and placed her back on the bed where Carlisle was prepared with the IV.

"This will run for the next hour or so. She might wake up in the mean time, just make sure she doesn't remove this."

"No problem." Alice said as she took her place next to Bella once again

"Alice?"

"Yes"

"Where did Jasper go?" I realized that he was missing from our home

"He went up to Denali. He thought it would be best at least until you've changed Bella."

"About that…" 

"Oh no Edward don't start on that again. You have to keep your promise. Jasper won't come home until you've done it. He can't be around her."

"I know. I know! I just can't take away her life Alice, not after this. I almost lost her, I was so close."

I saw Bella stir, and this time she just opened her eyes "Alice, what are you doing here?"

"I live here silly."

"They've locked you up too?" she asked confused

"No Bella, your home now, remember?"

"Oh, right. I'm sorry. Everything just seems fuzzy. I feel really out of it."

'It's understandable love, with everything you've gone through." I said

"Edward?" she said sitting up and reaching to embrace me " Thank god you found me. It was a terrible place. I thought you left me alone again."

I growled low when she said those words "No Bella, I never left you. I was with you as much as I could be. They drugged you a lot."

"What was I doing there?"

"Your parents thought it would be best for you to receive treatment."

"I don't understand." She looked puzzled

"Because of what you did, and wrote in your journal. It disturbed Charlie and he was worried about you."

"But I didn't do anything." She said confused

"Bella, you tried to kill yourself." I said looking into her confused eyes

"Oh, god." She said as she burst into tears and began to sob uncontrollably

"Your fine now. Please calm down love."

"I'm not fine Edward. Stop telling me what I feel." She yelled

"I didn't mean to-" I stumbled over the words

"No, that's right. You never mean to do anything. In fact, you never do anything."

"What are you talking about Bella?" I asked worried

"I can't take this anymore!" she said as she pulled herself up and out of bed. The IV pulled on her hand as she tried to walk away.

"Stop Bella. Please. You need to rest. You need to finish this at least." I said pointing to the IV

"Finished!" was all she said as she pulled the needle from her arm. Applying pressure to the site and walked to the door.

I rushed over to her trying to stop her.

"Get out of my way Edward." She demanded

"No! You're not going anywhere." I said firmly

She turned and headed to the bathroom. I went over to Alice who looked equally confused

I felt a breeze and ran to the bathroom just in time to see Bella shut the bathroom window.

What the hell was wrong with her? Maybe she has gone crazy. She is after all she is out on the ledge of a three-story house.

I flung open the window and screamed for her. As I called out her name I must have startled her, because she lost her footing and struggled to regain it. Blood was running down her arm and I knew that she would be dizzy from it soon. I pulled myself out of the window to go after her.

"Leave me alone Edward!" she screamed

"Please Bella" I begged, "Come inside. I just want to make sure your safe."

I watched as she looked at me, confusion in her eyes. Then she saw the blood on her arm. Her eyes fluttered

"I'm not feeling so-"she mumbled

I knew it was only a mater of time till she fell. I had to act fast, before she could let go of the gutter I swept her up into my arms and jumped off the roof.

I rushed her into the living room and Carlisle was waiting for us.

"Alice explained what happened. Edward, just put her on he couch."

He checked her pulse, and dressed the IV site. Then he turned to look at me.

'Edward, from what has happened I can only conclude that Bella has suffered some damage from either the drugs or the shock treatment, we need to proceed cautiously."

"Is the damage permanent?" I asked

"It's difficult to say, it may just be temporary until all of the medications are out of her system. But I just don't know. What seemed to set her off? Do you know?"

"When she asked what happened and I told her about the suicide attempt she seemed to get very upset."

"Bella has suffered for a while with Jasper toying with her emotions, in fact we don't really know how long he was doing it for. When she wakes up, I'd like her to talk to Esme"

"What? Why Esme?" I asked confused once again

"Edward, don't you remember. Esme tried to commit suicide, and she was successful. She might be able to understand Bella better than anyone right now."

Esme came in the room at that moment, she knew what was happening and she looked over to Bella's sleeping form and then back to Carlisle.

"I only hope I can help her." She said in a loving tone

"Please Esme, just try and listen to her. Your our best chance without Jasper here to understand what is going on with Bella."

"Like I said, I'll try my best."


	11. Chapter 11

I sat up quickly and took in my surroundings. I was still at Edward's house but I was alone for once. I got up and headed for the door.

"Bella?" a soft voice called for me.

"Thanks for everything, I'm just going to go now bye." I managed to get out before I felt a hand on my shoulder

"Bella, can I talk to you?"

I turned to see Esme watching me intently. "Where did everyone go?" I asked with curiosity

"They've gone out to give us a chance to talk."

"I don't understand Esme, I have nothing to talk about."

"Honey, you tried to kill yourself." She said as a statement and I flinched "It may not have been your intention but it did happen."

I looked away from her; I wasn't ready to face this. I was being attacked for my feelings

"What do you want from me?" I asked angrily

"What do you mean Bella?" she looked confused

"Everyone seems to want something from me. What is it you want?"

"I want to talk to you. I want to tell you that I know a little about what you may be feeling."

"No Esme, I'm sorry but I really don't think you can understand."

"I committed suicide Bella. I took my life." She said

"Yes, you did. And Carlisle gave you another one!" I retorted

She looked away with sadness in her eyes

"Look Esme, I'm sorry. Please, I know you mean well. But this-" I motioned between the two of us "Isn't going to help me right now. You're heart was broken at the loss of your child. Our situations are completely different."

"But Bella-" she stammered

"Don't you get it? I tried to kill myself for no apparent reason!" I reached for the doorknob and spun around "Please just let me go, I can't do this anymore!"

And with that, I walked away. I stumbled around the forest for a while. I was trying to runaway from everything, but mainly I just needed to get away from myself.

I soon found out how futile my attempt was and I collapsed onto the forest floor and began sobbing. I had to get out…I had to break free.

I made my way to the main road and began walking. I needed to hurry before Edward caught up to me and took me back. I was desperate. A van passed me on the road and slowly pulled over.

"Bella? Do you need a ride?" the man asked. He looked familiar, but I couldn't place him exactly

I was desperate so it took it "Yes! That would be great." I said and I jumped in the passenger seat

"So. What's a pretty little thing like you doing out here alone?" he smiled at me

"I've been lost for a while." I responded, "Where do I know you from?" I asked

"So where are you headed Bella?" he said with a chuckle, avoiding my last question

"Anywhere but here!" I said

"Okay. Well I'm headed to Portland. So just tell me where to drop you." He said

"Portland." I said, running it over in my mind. "Sounds good to me." I looked over to my savior and saw he was smiling

"Can I ask what you're running from?"

"Life."

"Well, I can tell you one thing…no matter how far you go, you'll never escape yourself. I should know"

I just looked at him, and began to cry. "Just let me out here." I said

"Here? Are you crazy? There's nothing around here."

"Please just let me out." I asked again

"Okay, okay!" he said as he pulled over.

"Thanks" I said jumping out of the van and I walked into the woods

"Bella! Please, come back." He cried out "Why are you acting so strange!"

I heard him following behind me. "Bella, let me take you home."

"I don't want to go home." I cried as I felt his arm wrap around me, pulling me to him.

"Then come with me. Don't just run. You'll be running forever." He whispered softly in my ear.

Something came over me and in that moment was someone else. I wanted to be anyone else but me, I reached out and pulled his face to mine. I kissed him fiercely, like I would drown with out this contact. I was over come with the need to be loved, by someone…anyone.

He ran his hand down my side, caressing my breast and he pushed me towards the tree. I felt him place kisses down my neck as he opened my shirt exposing my breasts to him. I felt stiffness against my leg and I lost control. I grabbed for his pants, and began unzipping them. I then felt his hard penis in my hand. He let out a groan and he tugged at my pants.

Soon we were on the ground and I had lost total control. I didn't know what I was doing; I just wanted to experience this once before I died.

"I'm still a virgin." I said blushing

He looked at me in surprise, "Are you sure you want to-" he began

I pushed him back on the forest floor and straddled him.

"My day just keeps getting better and better"

"I want to feel something. Anything." I said rubbing myself against him

He couldn't take much more, because he growled and flipped me over, placing his penis towards my entrance.

"I don't have a condom." He said

"I want to feel you inside of me. I want to feel your warmth flow with in me."

"I don't want to get you pregnant." he said kissing my neck

"It won't matter to me." I said carelessly

He looked into my sad eyes and plunged himself deep with one thrust. I let out a cry of pain, but he continued to move in and out

"Oh God Bella, you feel great!" he cried

As he continued to thrust within me, I felt nothing. No lust, nothing. I just felt empty

"Oh god Bella! You're so tight! I'm almost…oh yea!" he cried out as the pushed in once more and ejaculated inside of me.

He pulled out of me slowly not wanting to break the connection, and looked at me. I sat up and felt liquid drip from me.

"Bella?" he said

But I ignored him; I just dressed and headed back to the road

Once again he was behind me. "Please let me take you home."

"I'm not going home."

"What are you going to do?"

"I'm going to kill myself." I said simply

"What?" he cried out "No, Bella." He pulled me to him "I wont let you do this, not again!"

"How did you know?" I questioned. I was so confused from all the medication and the shock treatment. This man seemed familiar but I still couldn't place him "You know nothing about me!" I screamed

"Bella? What is wrong with you?" he pulled my face up to his." What have they done to you?"

"I'm confused" I managed "They hurt me. It hurt bad." I sobbed as I remembered the pain.

"What happened?" he asked angrily

"I can't remember." I said placing my hands on my head trying to stop the pain "Who are you?"

"You don't remember me?" he asked worried

"No." I replied honestly "I'm sorry"

"I love you Bella. We made love just now and you don't even remember me?"

I looked up into his sad eyes, and once again moved towards him. I ran my finger down his cheek and he closed his eyes to my touch. I wrapped my arms around him and placed my head to his bare chest. I closed my eyes and listened to the music of his heart.

"Jacob…. My Jacob."


	12. Chapter 12

"Please let me take you home." He begged

"I don't want to go back there. Charlie is angry with me and Edward is overprotective. It's all too much for me right now."

"Then come home with me. Stay with Billy and me." He asked, almost begging

"I couldn't do that. Anyway weren't you saying you were headed to Portland?"

"I've changed my mind. I wont leave you alone like this." He stated calmly

"I just need to clear my head. Get the drugs out of my system so I can think straight."

"Let me call Charlie and tell him you'll be with me."

"No, I just want to be alone right now. Thanks anyway." I turned to walk away

I felt him behind me, "Stop following me!" I cried out franticly

"I'm calling Edward." He said quickly

I turned and rushed him "Please don't call him. I just barely got away from there. Please don't make me go back." I begged

He looked at me with deep concern "Bella, what's wrong? What did they do?"

"They haven't done anything, I just don't want to talk to anybody right now."

"But you're talking to me." He stated simply

"My thoughts are all jumbled right now, I know I need to go back, but I don't think I can right now."

"I'll call Edward and tell him you are with me, and that you are safe. Would that be okay?"

"Do what ever you want, at this point I really could care less."

"Your scaring me Bells." As he dialed the phone

"I scare myself sometimes…I am capable of almost anything." I whispered

"Hello, Edward. It's Jacob. Bella is safe. I found her on the road. I'm bringing her home." He said quietly

"What?" I yelled, "I'm not going back there. You promised!"

"Bella honey, it's what's best" he spoke to me as if addressing a child

"I'll tell you what's best!" I cried, "Not feeling this way, not feeling hopeless, helpless…lost" I turned and ran off as fast as I could. Jacob was soon in pursuit of me, close behind.

"Bella, stop this. You're only going to end up getting hurt." He said with a slight mocking in his voice. "Edward is coming to get you, you know that right?"

"Just let me go." I begged as I tried to run away from my life.

I ran into, cool arms. I ran into of all people, Jasper.

"Jasper! What are you doing here?" I asked surprised

"I came to apologize Bella." He said, sadness echoed in his voice

"What are you talking about? You've done nothing but be my friend."

"I hurt you Bella." He began, but I interrupted

"No! Jasper, I hurt myself, it was no ones fault but my own." I stated firmly

"Bella, you don't seem to understand. I manipulated your emotions. I just wanted you to leave, I never meant for you to try and kill yourself." He said as I felt a wave of guilt roll off me.

I couldn't comprehend what he was saying. He had made me feel this way? Made me plunge into the depths of sorrow, to the point of ending it all. I was drugged and shocked all because he fucked with my emotions on a whim!

"How could y-y-you do that Jasper? I stepped away from him, now truly frightened

He came towards me, and I let out a crazed scream. Jacob found me as I cried, violently

"What have you done to her leech?" he spat "Why is she screaming?"

"I just wanted to explain…I just wanted her to know how sorry I am." Jasper said

"Does Edward know what you did to me?" I managed

"Yes" he stated simply with no elaboration

"And he let you live" I continued

"Yes, Carlisle stopped him. Bella, can you ever… Will you ever forgive me?"

"Jasper, I just want to know why. Why you toyed with my emotions?"

"You were too tempting for me. Always hanging around…Edward's refusal to change you. Having you so close was torture. I thought, if I…if I made you feel a certain way, you might just leave. God Bella! I am so sorry. I never meant for any of this to happen."

"I'm still so confused." I admitted, "I can't believe that all of this was your fault. I must have had some feelings like this on my own."

"I just intensified your emotions that you were feeling, but it must have had an adverse effect, and after a while it just kept building even without my influence."

"Thank you Jasper" I said, as he looked at me surprised "No, not for manipulating my emotions, but for telling me what you did to me That is going to help me work through this, the knowledge that this wasn't all me." I tried to smile, but it wouldn't come

I looked over to Jacob. I had an unprotected sexual encounter with this man in a moment of confusion and lust. I had used him, but he still looked at me with caring and concern in his eyes. "Jake, please take me home." I asked

"Anything Bella." He said looking relieved. He reached out and took my hand, leading me away from Jasper.

"Oh, Bella?" Jasper called, and I turned "Please don't tell the others you saw me. I don't want them to know I came back and saw you. That will only make them more upset with me, I think."

"Sure Jasper, whatever."

As Jacob and I walked back to the vehicle, the realization of what I had done hit me. I had given my virginity to Jacob. The thing I was saving for so long, just thrown away in a moment of lust. I hadn't even enjoyed it. I had felt nothing at the time. I knew what was happening as he touched me, as he placed himself inside of me. As he came inside of me! God just thinking about it made me sick. I was nauseated by the thought of him touching me in that way.

I fell to the ground, dry heaving. I wanted to get the taste of him out of my mouth. The scent of him off of my skin. I felt so dirty…

"Bella!" he cried, bending down next to me. I saw him extend a hand out to touch me

"Don't touch me!" I screamed as I flinched away

I saw the pain in his eyes, as he realized what I was saying

"Bella, I would never hurt you." He said softly

"No, you wouldn't. I've hurt myself." I mumbled, he looked confused.

In that moment, I knew what I needed to do. I couldn't go back to Edward. I was damaged, in more ways than one. He wouldn't want me after what I'd done. I couldn't go back to Charlie; I might just end up back in the asylum.

My only option was standing before me, and I grasped at it.

"Jake, I'm sorry that I yelled at you. I am still confused a bit, but I feel better after speaking with Jasper. He sure explained a lot. You said you were going to Portland?" I asked

"Yes" he said with hesitation

"Can I come with you?" I asked in a calm sweet tone

He looked at me with surprise in his eyes. "Yes, Bella! Certainly." He smiled so wide and I knew as I saw his expression that I would regret this decision eventually, but for right now. I really didn't care.


	13. Chapter 13

When we arrived in Portland at Jake's place he showed me around the small studio apartment he had. It was nice, but really small.

"You can take the bed Bells. I'll sleep on the sofa." He volunteered

"No Jake, it's okay. I'll take the sofa. May I use your phone?"

"Sure, it's right over here." He pointed towards the kitchen area

I picked up the receiver and dialed Charlie. I knew that he would be nervous.

"Hey Charlie. Calm down, I'm fine. I'm in Portland with Jake. Dad!" I pulled the phone away and looked at Jake. "He wants to talk to you." I rolled my eyes

"Hello." He looked at me and smiled "Yes Charlie, I will. Of course… Okay…Bye"

"What did he say to you?" I asked nervously

"He told me to take care of you and he wants you to call Edward."

"I can't. I just can't talk to him after what happened. You know."

"What are you talking about Bella?"

"Well, we…you and I had …we had." I just couldn't say the word and I started to freak out

"Bella, we had sex. Is that what you mean?"

"Yes." I looked away, embarrassed

"Bella, I love you. Please don't ever regret what we've shared."

"But it wasn't me. Not the real me anyway." I couldn't look him in the eyes

"I'm here for you when ever you need me Bella. I'm your friend and I love you." He reached out pulling me to him. He kissed the top of my head and I melted.

I turned to face him and kissed his mouth with reckless abandon. He responded as I wrapped my legs around him and he moves us to the bed.

I wanted to feel this. I wanted to feel him move within me. To get lost in the passion of the moment.

"Wait Jake. I can't do this again. Not right now. I need to keep a clear head." I managed to sputter out through the kisses.

"Your right." He groaned pulling me up off the bed "I wont rush you Bella. Just know I'm here for you."

"Thank you for understanding Jake." I mumbled as I looked away.

"So, is there anything you want to do today? I can take you out show you the sights" he said in an ecstatic tone.

"Well, if you could point me in the direction of a bookstore."

"Come on, I'll take you." He volunteered

"No, Jake. Please, just do whatever you would normally do. Just pretend I'm not here."

"That's impossible." He mumbled

"Jake." I grumbled

"Fine. The nearest bookstore is a B & N. It's about 4 blocks away."

"Thank you Jake" I said as I kissed him on the cheek turning to leave

"Hold up!"

"What?" I said turning to meet his gaze

"Let me give you a key. So you can get back in.," he said reaching in a drawer and pulling out a spare key.

"Thank You." I breathed. Placing my hand out, as he set the key into my palm. I could tell he didn't want to let me go, but he realized he couldn't stop me.

I headed down the street and easily found the Barnes & Noble. I picked up a coffee at the Starbucks and began trudging through the books. After a while I settled on some of my favorites and cashed out. On my way to the store I noticed a small park across the street so I headed over and began to re-read Sense & Sensibility.

I noticed after a while, the sky began to darken and I quickly picked up my bag and headed back to Jake's apartment. It felt awkward using a key on a door that didn't belong to me. Should I knock? I thought to myself, but then decided to use the key. After all he did give it to me.

But there was no need for a key. As I reached for the handle the door flew open and Jake looked furious.

"Where have you been Bella?" he demanded

I was so caught off guard by his reaction. "Wh-What?" I sputtered

"Where have you been? You have been gone for hours!" he said in a concerned tone

"Jake, I'm fine! I went to the bookstore. I told you."

"But that was hours ago"

"So"

"So? God Bella, I was worried about you when you didn't come back. I thought-" he stopped abruptly

"What Jake? What did you think?" I said acidly

"I thought you might have…you know…"

"Oh." I took a step back and looked into his eyes "You really thought I would-"

"I'm sorry Bella. No of course not. I just want to protect you. Keep you safe." He said, "That's all"

I was shocked by his assumption and angered as well. "You want to keep me safe?" I questioned

"Yes" he breathed

"Can you protect me from myself?" I hissed

"What?" he asked confused

"I am trying to keep it together Jake. I have these urges." I looked away from him. I was ashamed I was confessing this

"What urges?" he swallowed hard as if preparing for bitter news

"It is taking everything I have right now to try and think straight. To think of my family, of you and what my actions would do to you and them."

"What do you mean?" he pressed

"Jake" I said sliding down the wall "I just want the pain to end."

I looked at his worried expression "I'll be fine. I just need some time. I just need to be away from Jasper's influence and all of the pills."

"Please Bella. Promise me." He sat down in front of me "Promise me that you wont do anything rash or impulsive. If you feel, like-" he paused and I noticed his eyes welled with tears "If you feel like ending it, please tell me."

"I can't promise anything Jake. But I'll try real hard to keep that promise." I managed

He stood up, and pulled me to my feet. "The park" I said

"What?" he said in confusion

"After the bookstore, I went to the little park across the road to read"

"I'm so sorry for over reacting Bells. I'm just worried about you."

"Thank you Jake." I reached out and gave him a hug "Thank you for being so understanding."

"I love you Bells. I'm here for you no mater what."

"Let me make it up to you. I'll cook!" I smiled

"There's a problem with that." He said pulling me to the fridge and showing me the empty contents

"How about a pizza?" I laughed

"Sounds great." He said reaching for a menu.

After dinner and a movie, I must have fallen asleep on the sofa. Because I felt two strong arms wrap around me and carry me into the bedroom.

I felt Jake take my shoes off and he began to pull the covers over me. "Do you have any pajamas?" I mumbled half asleep

"No" he whispered as I jumped up and took my pants and top off. Leaving myself in my cami and boy shorts. I felt his hand wrap around my waist as I began to stumble forward

"I got you." He said softly as he placed me back in bed.

"Please don't leave me."

"Bella, I don't think that's a good idea."

"I'll be good." I yawned, "I promise"

"That's what I'm afraid of." He said as he lay on top of the covers and I pushed back into his embrace.

"Goodnight Jake."

"Sleep well my Bella." He breathed as he gently brushed my hair from my forehead and placed a kiss on my cheek.


	14. Chapter 14

Over the next several weeks everything seemed to fall into place for me

Over the next several weeks everything seemed to fall into place for me. I had found a job and even enrolled at Portland State University.

Jake helped field all of the calls from my father and Edward. Charlie seemed fine with my choices, but Edward on the other had wasn't put off as easily. He continued to demand to see me. Jake held firm that he was only following my directions. But it seemed that Edward wasn't too sure of that.

I walked in the door from work and heard them arguing on the phone

"Listen Edward, there is nothing more for me to say. She doesn't want to talk with you yet." Jake looked over as I shut the door "I don't know why, I'm sorry. I really am. No, it wouldn't be a good idea…Goodbye" he hung up the phone

"Bella?" he walked over to me pulling me into a hug "You need to talk to him. I can't believe I'm saying it, but it isn't fair keeping him in the dark."

"I know, Jake." I said "I just don't want to deal with them right now."

"You will have to sooner or later."

"Later is preferable!" I teased as I walked toward the bathroom "Hey, I'm meeting a friend at a club nearby, do you want to come?"

"What kind of club?"

"Typical club, you know dancing and drinking."

"Sure." He smiled "Go get ready."

I showered and changed, and a half hour later I was dressed. I was wearing a tight black tank dress, and some ballet flats. High heels would have been more attractive, but I was focused on safe tonight. Especially if I was going to be dancing. As I emerged from the room, Jake was pouring couple drinks for us. As he took me in, he forgot about the drinks and it spilled over

"That good?" I laughed walking to the counter and picking up one of the shot glasses. We clinked them together and shot them back.

"Let's go." Jake said, putting his arm around my waist and we headed for the club.

When we got to the club, we headed toward the bar area. I soon found my co-worker Liz and I introduced her to Jake. Liz had brought her boyfriend and they ran for the dance floor, pulling me with them. Jake followed behind and soon we were all just dancing and drinking. I was having such a great time. I was feeling so free, I felt as though all of my problems were in the past.

"Hey beautiful. Do you want to dance?" a man took my hand and pulled me to him

"No, not really." I managed as I looked around for Jake

"Well, I wanna dance with you." He said as he crushed me to him. Soon he was gyrating against me, but I kept looking for Jake.

"Dance with me." He urged as he thrust himself towards me and in my drunken state began to laugh at him. He must not have liked that, because he grabbed my arm roughly "What the hell is so funny bitch?" as his other hand slithered up my thigh.

I kept laughing as I tried to extricate myself from his grasp "Let me go." I demanded

"No way!" he leered at me "A hot young thing like you is not getting away from me tonight." He pulled me to him and forced his tongue into my mouth, kissing me forcefully as I tried to push him away

"Let her go!" a voice boomed behind me. It was Jacob, and I felt relief wash over me as the man released me.

"Hey man, I'm closing the deal with this one. Wait your turn." He said, turning back toward me

"She's with me." Jake said pulling me to him and placing me slightly behind him

"Take the bitch! She doesn't look like a good lay anyway!" the man said laughing as Jake pulled back and punched him

"Apologize to the lady." He yelled, pulling him up off the ground where he had fallen

I saw that the man's nose was bleeding. I could smell the rust and salt beginning to feel the nausea overtake me "Sorry! I'm sorry," the man cried as Jake released him

Jake turned toward me laughing, and must have seen my expression "Bella? You don't look so good."

I saw him reach out for me as I passed into blackness.

I woke up in my bed, and Jake was holing a cool cloth on my forehead.

"Bella" he said relieved "thank god your alright"

"I'm fine, thanks to you." I said as I looked at his sweet face "Thank you Jake"

"It was nothing. That creep was asking for it." He chuckled

I stood up and swayed a bit. "I think you should rest"

"I just need to change." I murmured turning for Jake to unzip my dress "Do you mind?" I asked

I felt him place one hand on my shoulder and the other pulled the zipper down. I felt is hand on my back where my bra should have been. I could hear his breathing pick up, and almost a growling sound escaped his lips

"Thank you" I said, pulling around to distract him but then I was looking into his eyes.

They were filled with love and excitement as he took in my expression.

Was I going to do this again with Jake? I had wanted to feel him again since that first time. At the time I was drugged up and confused. Now this would be a rational choice. Sure I'd had a bit to drink but nothing too extreme. I was in control of all of my faculties, as I ran my hand over his chest.

"Jake" I breathed but was cut off as he crashed his lips to mine. I responded immediately to his kiss, and I felt him push me back to the bed.

When I woke up the next morning, my head was on fire. I took in my surroundings and realized I was in bed naked with Jake. His arm was draped around my waist and our legs were entwined together. As I moved to break free, he moved and groaned.

"Morning Bells" he said as he kissed my head lightly

"Um-Jake?" I asked cautiously

"Yes" he mumbled

"Did we… did we…um" how was I going to put this, I don't remember last night very clearly, we had been kissing but that was all I could remember

"I think so." He managed as he looked a bit embarrassed "Are you okay with that?" he asked cautiously as well

"Honestly, I don't remember much of last night" I confessed, I guess I had more to drink than I thought

"Neither do I. I'm sorry," he said getting up from the bed and realizing his naked state

"I can't believe how stupid I am," I said to myself, knowing I was in more trouble

"Bella, it isn't your fault. We were both drunk. If anyone is at fault it's me. I shouldn't have been drinking." He said angry with himself

"Jake, you don't seem to understand. Last night, even though I don't recall everything, I'm glad it was you."

"What are you talking about?" he said confused

"That man, who was all over me at the bar. He would have forced me Jake." I cringed at the thought and Jake did as well. "He would have raped me. You saved me from that pain and horror."

I pulled him to me and embraced him. "Thank you" I breathed as he began to get aroused

"Bella" he moaned softly as he kissed my neck

"Jake" I breathed

"Yes Bella?" he mumbled as he kissed my neck

"Take me." Was all I managed as he turned over and placed me on top of his penis. I was pushed down and felt him within me. I felt complete. He was stretching me, filling me out with his erection as I rode him.

The feeling of him sliding in and out of my body was heavenly. But he soon pulled out and began to move away.

"What are you doing?" I said disappointed

"We can't do this. You don't really want to do this with me." He said

"Of course I do." I said kissing his throat as he moaned "Please, don't stop. Give me what I need Jake." As he pushed back into me hesitantly.

"Are you sure Bella? Please be sure you want this. I'm going to cum soon and I want to make sure it's what you want."

"Please Jake baby, Oh yea…Jacob!" I cried out as I came to a climax. I felt myself tighten around Jake's penis and I felt him thrust faster.

"Here I cum Bells. Here I cum…OH GOD. OH God Bella!" he panted out through his orgasm falling on top of me.

As he pulled out, I felt emptiness and hoped that soon it would be filled with a baby. I was eventually going to be pregnant, it was inevitable.

"Bella, thank you." Jake managed

"For what Jake?" I looked at him and stroked his hair from his eyes

"For giving yourself to me. When we were in the forest but now here too. I must be special to you in some way if you've given your virginity to me, and now you want to be with me."

"Jake, I just need something real. Someone to love me.

It's a human experience I want to have."

"Well then you've found it Bells, because I'm not going anywhere." He said as he placed his hand around my waist pulling me tightly against his body.

"Thank you" I murmured and drifted off to sleep.


	15. Chapter 15

The weeks passed by in a blur

The weeks passed by in a blur. I was content with Jake and excited about school. I was going on with my mortal life, as they all wanted me too. I was experiencing life for the first time. Jake still fielded the calls from the Cullen's daily and I loved him for that.

I just felt as if I wouldn't be able to ever trust my feelings around them again. I didn't want to be influenced by Jasper or the others ever again.

But Edward, oh Edward. My dearest love, I missed him terribly. But I have moved my life in a different direction. I have distanced myself from him for his own good. He could never look at me without distain for what I have done to him and I couldn't bare that.

I heard a knock at the door, and ran to open it. I figured Jake had forgot his key again, but when I opened the door Rosalie glared back at me.

I stood frozen in place, "May I come in?" she asked annoyed

"Yes, of course." I fumbled

She glided in and took a seat. I sat down across from her and we looked at each other intently.

"Why are you doing this to my family?" she said firmly

"I'm sorry Rosalie, I don't know what you mean," I said cautiously

"My brother has been frantic with worry." She spat with venom in her tone "Worried about you, his human love. He hasn't left his room. Did you know?" and added "Did you even care?"

"Rosalie, I didn't know." I said ashamed at my lack of consideration for anyone but myself "I guess I just figured he would go back to whatever he was doing for the past 80 odd years"

"After you! You think he could ever just go back to what it was before. Are you completely daft." She said angrily

I was becoming a bit frightened of where this conversation was going. I got up and headed toward the door. I couldn't take the thought that I had hurt him so much.

"Bella, I hate to say this but he needs you." She said walking towards me "Please come back with me. Please come home"

"Does he know you're here?" I asked hesitantly and I watched as she shook her head

"None of them know I'm here." She said "Well, maybe Alice" she smiled at that

"Rosalie, I'm sorry about everything." I said "But I've started over here. I have a new life. For the first time, I am grateful for my human life. I can have a chance at happiness with Jake"

"Jake?" she spat 'Jacob Black?

"Yes, Jacob Black." I looked at her " Rosalie, I can experience things with him that I never could with Edward. I can have things with him that I could never have with Edward."

"Are you having sex with him?" she said horrified

"Rosalie, that is none of your business." I moved to the door "Please leave now"

"Bella, come home with me." She said in a pleading tone "I want you as part of my family. I changed my vote. We all want you with us" she said in desperation

"But now, the difference is I might not want to be one of you anymore" I said softly "I want different things, I want to be loved Rosalie. Edward wont even love me!" I cried, "I wanted to feel something from him, but he never gave in. He didn't want me. Now, please leave. I think I've suffered enough for one night." I began to cry hysterically

Something unexpected happened, Rosalie embraced me. "Bella, please come back with me, tell Edward what you just told me. He will understand. He loves you so very much."

I looked into her eyes and for a moment I believed it was possible. That I could just go back with her like nothing had ever happened.

But something had. I had started up a relationship with Jake, and I couldn't see how I could ever forget about that. Jake had shown me love not only as a friend but also as a lover. I had shared my most intimate self with someone other than Edward and I could never forgive myself for hurting him. I might even now be carrying his child.

"I wish I could Rosalie. Oh, how I wish I could. But it's too late."

"It's not too late. Please Bella"

The door flew open and Jake ran in frantic. "Bella, are you okay?" he said looking me over and then turning to Rosalie

"What do you want leech?" he snarled

"I'm asking Bella to come home with me"

"No!" he growled "She isn't going anywhere with you. Why can't you all just leave her alone?"

"She is engaged to my brother." Rosalie pointed out

"Not anymore! She is mine!"

"Bella, please come with me." Rosalie said reaching for me and I panicked. I moved backwards away from both of them

"Bells, honey." Jake said walking towards me with a frightened look in his eyes "please don't do anything rash"

"Stay away from me." I said "Both of you!" I said through the tears.

I ran for the door, with the two of them behind me I felt someone grab my arm and I turned to break free. As I did I lost my footing and fell backward, down the stairs.

As I fell I heard Jake cry out my name horrified. Blackness.

When I awoke, I was in the hospital and I felt a cool hand holding mine. I opened my eyes wide and saw Edward next to me.

"Oh, thank god your awake." He said, pushing the button for the nurse.

"What are you doing here?" I croaked

"I love you Bella, and I'm never going to let you go."


	16. Chapter 16

"God, when I dream about you it's never this real

"God, when I dream about you it's never this real." I whispered

"Your not dreaming Bella. I'm here with you now, and I love you so very much." Edward said firmly

"I don't deserve this. Why wont I wake up? Maybe I'm dead. Where's Jake?"

"The dog is talking to the doctor. Seems your condition requires special monitoring." He said

"My condition?" I asked confused

"Your pregnant Bella." Was all Edward said as he kissed my hand

"Oh" I said and looked away. I knew that this would happen eventually.

"That's all you have to say is 'Oh'. Why didn't you return my calls?" he asked hurt filled his voice

"I-I'm not sure,"

"I've been so worried, but that dog-"

"Please don't call him that."

"Fine, Jacob wouldn't let me talk to you, he said you wanted your space."

"I did, I do-" I said

"You don't want me here."

"It's not that Edward, I'm just not sure if I can be myself when I'm around you and your family."

"That's silly Bella, we all love you."

"No it isn't Edward. Please, this is what I'm talking about. You treat me as if I were a child."

"Maybe I wouldn't need to if you acted more like a grown up"

"Just get out of here" I said acid in my tone

"Please just calm down Bella."

"Stop telling me what to do" I cried out as Jake flew through the door

I looked up to the door and saw Jake glowering at Edward. "Please don't touch her leech." He said angrily

I saw Jake, come over and place his hand on my stomach. He looked into my eyes lovingly and ignored Edward completely.

"Bella, we're going to have a baby." He said happily and kissed my forehead

"When?" was all I managed

"6 months from now."

"That means-" I said softly

"Yes love, when we first made love, we also made a baby." He rubbed my stomach and smiled widely

I looked over at Edward, who never took his eyes off me. I was so ashamed. I felt so sick at the thought.

"Jacob, would you please let me talk with my fiancé alone." Edward said calmly

"I'm not leaving her alone with y-" Jake said but I stopped him

"I'll be fine Jake. Please just give us a minute," I said reassuringly, watching as the left the room

"Bella, how did this happen?" he questioned me.

"When I left Esme at you house. I ran, just ran." I said

"How did you come to be impregnated by Jacob Black? Is what I meant" he asked, this time sounding more upset

"I was confused when I left your house. Jake gave me a ride."

"I'll bet he did." He said so quietly I almost missed it

"Please stop Edward." I said in an exacerbated tone

"You slept with another man. How do you expect me to react?"

"I expect you to be understanding." I sat up and spoke in a raised voice "I expect you to love me and cherish me. I made a mistake Edward. I was out in the woods and I was overcome with emotion. I wanted to feel something. Anything! I needed this pain to go away, and Jacob filled that void" I cried out

"After" I said, seeing the disgusted look on his face "When I saw Jasper, and he apologized-"

"Wait, you saw Jasper?"

"Yes, in the woods" I said

"Oh my god!" Edward said as he placed his head in his hands "Don't you see"

"What Edward?" I questioned

"It was Jasper's influence that made you lustful. He's the reason, you're pregnant"

"You would have never slept with that dog if it wasn't for him" he growled

"Edward, I need to tell you more."

"No, Bella. Don't you see this isn't your fault? I love you. I never stopped loving you! Please come home with me, we'll take care of you and the baby." He smiled as he rested his hand on my stomach

"Edward, I'm staying with Jake," I said firmly

"But why?" he looked pained "I don't understand"

"He loves me and I don't need to change for him. I'm perfect the way I am." I stated simply " and now we are having a child together."

"But why?" he asked again

"Edward, how can I be sure that what we felt together was ever real?" he seemed confused so I continued "I think that Jasper was influencing me long before my suicide attempts. I can't trust this love I feel for you. What if it's a lie, if I was manipulated to feel this way"

"We love each other. This is real!" he insisted

"Edward, I slept with Jake more than once." I confessed, "Jasper might have helped push me with his influence the first time, but after. I let Jake have me again and again"

"Stop!" Edward cried, "I don't want to hear it"

He looked at me, and I continued, "Edward, I'm not coming home with you. The time apart has cleared my head of yours' and Jaspers influence. I finally know how I truly feel. I know what I want from my life and it's something you can't give me." I said looking away in shame

"I can give you everything your heart desires. All you need to do is ask." He said taking hold of my hand

"No, you cant. Anyway, Jacob has already given it to me."

"No!" Edward said, shaking his head like he couldn't grasp the information

"Edward, I want this. I want to feel this." I said, rubbing my stomach

"I guess there is nothing more to say" he said sadly and got up to leave "But I'll be waiting. When you change your mind, you know where I'll be."

Jake came back in and sat by my side. He reached out and held my stomach. "I realized that this might be a possibility each time we made love. But just know you have made me the happiest man in the world."

"I love you Jake," I whispered

"I love you too Bella" he said kissing me passionately, I returned the kiss just as fervently

I was release from the hospital, and we returned to our apartment. Jake seemed to have a new outlook on our relationship, now that it seemed Edward was out of the picture.

The weeks flew by, and we were happy. One day out of the blue Jake asked me a question.

"Bella, should we get married or something? Before the baby comes?" he said unsure of my reaction.

"I don't know." I confessed, "We've sort of done this all backwards"

"We sure have" he laughed and pulled me into his strong embrace.

"I think we should get married." I finally said and he had a look of utter astonishment on his face.

"Are you serious?" he said jubilantly

"Completely!" I kissed his mouth. Tracing his lips with my tongue, feeling his heat.

"This is a complete 360 from before isn't it?"

"Yes, but then I've realized something."

"Continue" he encouraged

"When I asked you to kiss me, that day of the battle"

"I remember"

"What I saw always haunted me," I confessed

"I don't understand. You never fully explained your thoughts to me"

"Jake, when we kissed. I saw our whole life together. I saw our children, and I wanted it. Wanted it bad Jake" he kissed my hand "I think that's part of the reason I was depressed, and why it was so easy for Jasper to influence me"

He looked at me skeptically

"After that 'vision' I finally realized what I would be giving up. I thought I could push it back and forget, but I couldn't. Those children-" I paused "Our children will be the most important thing I ever do with my life Jake and it's all because of you. Because of your love for me."

"Bella" he breathed "I have always loved you." He touched my belly and I closed my eyes content for now with my lot in life.


	17. Chapter 17

We found out we were having twins after our ultrasound. I was shocked and Jake practically fainted.

"There's only two right?" he asked cautiously

"Yes!" the technician laughed, "There's only two. Would you like to know what you're having?"

"No!" we both said simultaneously and she laughed again

"Twins" was all I said as I walked back to the car

"Well I guess it's time we tell Charlie and Billy, not to mention your Mom."

"Oh God!" I rolled my eyes "I'm pretty sure Charlie wont actually kill me, but it would be best if he was off duty and didn't have his gun.

Jake laughed at that "Jake, it isn't funny"

"Bells, your Dad isn't going to shoot you!"

"I'm not worried about myself," I said raising an eyebrow and he got my meaning

"He wouldn't. Would he?" and I just laughed

Charlie just might kill me. I was about 7 months pregnant with twins, and I hadn't mentioned it to my own father.

We made it back to Forks faster than I would have liked. Jake came around to open my door and I hesitated. "It will be fine Bella" he reassured me

"Lets get this over with." I said as we walked up to the door

Charlie opened the door and ran to me. He stopped as he took in my appearance.

"Bella! I've missed you so much!" he said hugging me and immediately moved his hand to my belly "It's been a long time"

"Yes, it has Charlie" Jake said, "We've got some news to share with you"

"I think I see what your news is" Charlie laughed has he shook Jake's hand.

"That went fairly well," Jake whispered in my ear

"Please, he's ready to have a coronary!" I whispered back

"Bella, your friend Alice stopped by to see me yesterday. I hope it's okay, I invited her for dinner tonight"

"Sure Dad, that's fine." I said as I heard a low growl erupt from Jake "Jake, why don't you go talk with Billy, and we can leave right after."

"Sounds like a good plan." He said as he kissed me and then bent to kiss our babies

"See you soon."

Within the hour Alice arrived and she embraced me "Oh Bella! I've missed you so much!" she chirped

"Alice, I've missed you all so very much"

She looked at me, and smiled widely "Edward wants to see you"

"Alice, I'm not sure if that's such a good idea"

"Trust me" she winked "Oh Bella, you look so tired. Maybe you should rest for a while. Charlie and I can make dinner."

"Oh, Bella please you do look tired. Your room is all ready for you"

"Thanks Dad. Thanks Alice" I said sarcastically

I knew what I would find in my room. As I opened the door the scent hit me "Edward!" I cried and ran to his arms. His cool embrace encircled me and I felt him kiss the top of my head.

He looked at my belly and automatically reached out to touch it. He looked up wide-eyed at what he felt

"Twins" I said, not meeting his eyes

"This feels so amazing" as he knelt down and placed his head next to my belly and looked up to me

"Bella" he breathed "I understand now."

"How could you?"

"I could never give you this human experience."

"Edward" I said

"Please Bella, let me finish." He smiled "I wanted you to live your life, and your doing it. Who am I to deny you-"

"Edward" I said touching his face lightly "My life is not what I would have expected. I'm having these babies." I said rubbing my belly "But Edward, this time apart has made me realize something."

"What Bella?" he sounded hopeful

"I've missed you. I've missed us" I sobbed, "I know this sounds crazy, but this is killing me."

"Oh Bella!" he said pulling me to him "I've waited to hear that."

"Edward, I have a proposition for you" I said quietly

"Yes, Bella." He looked on curious

"Once I have the babies. I want to spend the rest of my life with you"

"Really?" a smile broad on his face "I'll talk to Carlisle, we can change you soon after the birth-"

"No Edward, Please listen to me. I want to share my life with you. Not my existence"

"You want to stay human."

"Yes" I said

"You don't want to spend eternity with me?" he sounded hurt

"Edward, I can't bare to see my children grow old and die. That's not how it's supposed to be." I laughed, "If you'll have me, in 50 years I'll even pretend to be your grandmother!" I winked at him

"That's not funny Bella"

"No Edward, it isn't but I've gained some perspective over the last 7 months and I'm willing to do this your way."

"My way?"

"You never wanted to change me, now you don't have to"

"But I love you Bella, I don't think I can watch you die"

I touched his face and bent my forehead to touch his. "Edward, that's not for a very long time."

"Does Jacob, know how you feel?"

"No" I stated simply "Not yet anyway. I planned on telling him after the birth"

"Is that fair Bella?" he said, "To him I mean."

"No, it isn't" I conceded "But it wouldn't be fair when he finally imprints and leaves me either would it?"

"I wondered about that."

"If you still want me," I whispered "I'm yours, for the rest of my life"

"Of course I still want you Bella my love. I never stopped loving you."

"Thank you Edward." I said and I moved my lips to his.

Alice was positively beaming when I came down the stairs; she already knew what had happened

I watched as Alice and my father prepared dinner. I moved to pick up the plates to set the table and I froze clutching my belly

"Daddy!" I cried as I saw him turn to see me before I fell into the darkness


	18. Chapter 18

I woke to the familiar sound of monitors and I hesitantly opened my eyes.

I saw Jake; he was sitting next to me. I turned my head and saw Edward looking through the window.

"He wont leave" Jake growled

"Jake, about that." I said sounding tired "Please understand that the Cullen's are part of my life too"

"Bella" he complained

"Jake, please don't do this right now. I am in no position to argue with you or anyone."

"I'm sorry Bella"

"It's okay Jake. By the way how did Billy take the news?"

"He thought it was fantastic! He can't wait to meet them"

"We still need to think up names for them"

"I know, that's going to be the hard part."

"Well, lets keep thinking about it, if you come up with any, just write them down"

"Sounds good. Hey Bells, I talked to the Dr and he said you'd have to stay here a couple of days at least for monitoring. I need to head back to Portland and close everything up since we'll be here for a while."

"Sure, sure Jake, I understand"

"Thanks Bella" he said as he kissed me deeply, and then kissed the babies as usual. As he got up to leave he turned and spoke softly "You know how much I love you"

I smiled in response and closed my eyes. Soon my ears were filled with the sweetest voice ever.

"God, I thought he was never going to leave."

"Edward, be nice!" I smiled weekly

"Sorry Bella." I said unrepentant "Anyway, I'm here to spring you"

"But I thought-" I stammered

"That was to get rid of the dog"

I looked at him with a disapproving glance

"Besides, with you staying at my house. You will have constant medical supervision so to speak"

"What happens when Jake calls me tonight?"

"You've asked to not be disturbed," he stated simply

"I don't think this is a very good idea"

"Well, you really don't have a choice. Esme and Alice are beyond the moon to see you, so as I said you really don't have a choice. They would kill me if I came back without you" he smiled

I closed my eyes and breathed heavily as I felt the sudden sharp pain in my abdomen

"Bella?" Edward's voice sounded worried

But I couldn't respond. I just tried to breath deep but that even seemed to fail me.

"Get Dr Cullen in here now!" I heard his voice shout as I came out in a quivering tone

I felt cool hands on me poking and probing attempting to access my condition. But it was easy to diagnose when he saw the blood flowing from my womb.

"We need to get the babies out of her if any of them has any chance of survival" Carlisle said to Edward

"But, she's not quite 8 months yet"

"There's nothing else to do"

"Edward" I whispered, but he heard he was by my side "I need you to call Jake. Tell him"

"Yes Bella" was all he said as I heard him dialing on his cell phone "It's me" he spoke softly into the phone "Please Jake, there's no time for insults. It's Bella and the babies. Get back here now, before it's too late"

My eyes remained closed since I felt dizzy. "I called him Bella, he's on his way"

"Bella" it was Carlisle who spoke next "We are going to take you up to the operating room, we need to perform an emergency c-section. Can you hear me?" he said concerned

"Yes" was all I managed as I heard the bustling of activity going on around me

"Let's move!" Carlisle said and my eyes flashed open

"Edward!" I said frantically as I looked around for him. My panic caused my heart to beat erratically

"I'm here love." He said kissing my hand "I'm not going anywhere" he confirmed

"Stay with me" I begged

"I will," he confirmed as I was rushed to the OR

The pain was intense and I felt like I was going to pass out. But I needed to keep conscious.

As I got to the operating room, I was immediately moved to the table and soon had a mask on my face. I tried to fight it, but as I breathed in I felt as if I was losing the battle with my lids

"No!" I cried out, pulling it away frantically

"Bella, we don't have time to do a spinal sedation. You will be placed under general anesthesia for this procedure. It's faster" Carlisle said and placed the mask on again

I pulled it off again and in a slurred voice I spoke to Edward. I whispered to him my request and he seemed angry

"You're going to be fine Bella." He said placing the mask on me as I closed my eyes "You have to be"

In the darkness I thought I could hear the cries of my children, but I must have just imagined it as I drifted into the nothingness

**Edward's POV**

When Bella came back into my life I was elated. Even though Jacob Black impregnated her, all that mattered to me was that she was back, and in my arms not his. I had offered to change her after the babies were born, but she declined. I'm going to convince her to change her mind somehow. But now it seemed I might not get my chance.

Bella was bleeding heavily and they needed to deliver the babies to save her. One moment we were smiles and laughter the next up here in the OR.

I watched as Bella struggled with the sedation mask crying out to stop this

"Bella, we don't have time to do a spinal sedation. You will be placed under general anesthesia for this procedure. It's faster" Carlisle said and placed the mask on her again

I felt her pull my arm and watched as she pulled the mask off and whispered to me

"Edward, I love you. But- But…Sarah Jane…. Jonah…"

I scowled slightly, was she saying goodbye?

"You're going to be fine Bella." I said placing the mask on her as I watched her close her eyes once more. "You have to be"

I nodded to Carlisle and I continued to hold her hand as I say Jacob run through the door. He was dressed for the operating room, like the rest of us. He had a panicked look on his face as another on of the doctor's tried to explain the situation to him

"Oh my god" he said as he rushed to Bella, and took in her unconscious form. He looked at me and I got up so he could take my place. There was only one of Bella's hands to hold since the anesthesiologist was working with the other one.

I knew when Carlisle cut into her flesh when I smelled the fresh blood in the air. I saw Jacob watching me with a concerned expression, but I was in total control of my hunger.

"Bring the suction" Carlisle called as he pulled out the first baby. From what I could see it was small but not too small. Must be the werewolf genes I thought, and watched as the child was passed to another doctor.

I looked down at the most precious little girl. Bella's little girl, this must be Sarah Jane I thought as I heard the next one cry out.

"It's a boy" Carlisle called out and I noticed Jacob wanting to be in three places at once.

He kissed Bella's forehead and released her hand. Moving over towards his daughter

"They are beautiful Jacob," I said honestly

"They are so amazing" he said gently reaching out to touch his daughters hand "But we never decided on names. When Bella wakes up, she is going to be so surprised" he smiled

"Jacob" I sighed "Before Bella went under, she told me something's." I watched his confused expression "She told me their names" I managed

"But we didn't know what we were having" he said astonished "You mean she gave you four names to choose from?"

"No, she told me their names, a girl and a boy. I thought that meant you knew"

"No, we wanted to wait and be surprised. How could she know?"

As he spoke I caught a flash of thought in Carlisle's mind

_Got to get bleeding under control he thought_

_Heart rate is going down the nurse noted_

I watched as Carlisle worked to stitch her up

"What?" Jacob asked as he took in my expression "Edward, what is it?" he demanded

But before I could answer, he knew.

The sound resonated in the air. The dull hum of the heart monitor registering the absence of a beat.

"Start chest compressions!" Carlisle called out "Nurse clear the room" he demanded

Jacob rushed towards her, but was stopped by a nurse

"Mr. Black, your not helping your wife by acting like this. Please, you need to leave so the Doctors can help her." She said firmly

Then I noticed what she said, she said "wife". I looked at Jacob and then at Bella. I pulled it from his mind as he thought about the wonderful day he realized she was pregnant with his child, to the day she agreed to marry him.

I was shocked; I hadn't realized any of this.

I placed my hand on Jacob shoulder, and he turned his tear stained face to me.

"We should check on Sarah Jane and Jonah," I suggested

"Who?" he asked confused

"Your children" I said slowly as the look of understanding filled his face

"The names she picked are perfect," he mumbled as I watched him fall apart in front of my eyes

We made our way to the NICU and watched as the doctors finished checking out the babies.

"Mr. Black?" the doctor called, but Jacob was in a haze

"He's right here," I said as the doctor came to talk to him

"I'm Dr Mitchell." He offered Jacob his hand "The twins are in perfect health. Your wife must have taken exceptional care of herself during the pregnancy."

"Yes, yes she did" he mumbled

"Well, anyway the babies are pre term but they are of an adequate weight that they wont need to stay for long. Would you like to hold them?"

He finally looked up and answered. "Yes, please"

We walked forward and saw the two of them together in a bassinet.

He picked up his daughter first "Sarah Jane" he whispered as he kissed her forehead. She reached up and grasped his finger with her hand and he smiled through the tears. "God, she is so beautiful. Just like her mother"

He reached down and traced his sons face. The moment was broken by a nurse rushing in "Mr. Black, Dr Cullen needs to speak with you" she reached to take Sarah Jane, and he hesitated, but finally relinquished the baby.

I followed Jacob out of the room, and together we made our way towards Carlisle.

"Jacob, I'm sorry. I did everything I could" he spoke in a pained tone

"What are you saying?"

"I was unable to revive her. I'm so sorry" Carlisle said and I knew he was speaking to both of us. I was beyond despair at this information, and I suddenly realized that she had been saying goodbye. She had told me she loved me as she said goodbye.

"Your joking right" he started to laugh, "You wouldn't let her go, not when your 'son' wants her. Where is she, what have you done with her?" he demanded

"Jacob, I realize that this is difficult for you to understand-" Carlisle began but Jacob rushed past him and headed towards the operating room we had been in.

"No. Stop" Carlisle said as Jacob pushed through the doors.

He froze in his place, taking in the sight just as I was.

I noticed blood on the floor, lots of it. Then I noticed the white sheet over the table. Bella would be underneath it.

I saw him look back at us and then at the sheet. Jacob slowly walked over and pulled the sheet down. I know he expected that she would still be alive or at least have been bitten

"Oh, Bella" he cried as he reached out and touched her lips with his trembling hand "The babies are so beautiful. Thank you" he sobbed caressing her face "She's still warm"

I felt Carlisle place his arm on my shoulder as he now tried to comfort me. But I shrugged him off. My Bella was gone. She had just promised to spend her life with me. But I needed more time…. I thought I'd have more time.

"Why didn't you bite her?" he turned to me pain in his eyes

"She told me she wouldn't want that. To outlive her children I mean."

"Earlier, you said she told you there names, what else did she say?" he asked

I looked over to my father, who shared in my grief. Do I tell him the truth? That his wife wanted to leave him for me, that she had said she loved me, before she lost consciousness and subsequently died.

This man in front of me was my sworn enemy. But he was also the husband of the love of my existences.

"She um-" I paused as my mouth almost felt dry "she asked me to call you, when the hemorrhaging began. She continued to ask for you, and wanted to wait for you to arrive before they took her up." I saw the look of utter despair in his face, I'm sure it looked identical to mine.

"When they placed the mask on her she fought, not wanting to lose consciousness" I swallowed hard "She called out your name and I went over to her, I wanted to reassure her you were coming. Her last words were…" I paused as I sensed his anticipation "Jake, I love you. Sarah Jane…Jonah"

I turned way as I saw him begin to sob frantically over her body "I just wish she would wake up, I keep expecting her to open her eyes."

There was a knock at the door and I saw Carlisle speak to the nurse. She was telling him that Charlie and Billy were downstairs and wanted to know how the new mom and babies were doing.

Of course they didn't know I reminded myself.

I heard the stool move and Jacob get up. "I need to be the one to tell them" he managed, and I heard Carlisle volunteer to help him. He gratefully accepted.

I was left alone with Bella. It was like a nightmare that I couldn't wake up from. She was so still and pale.

I reached my hand out to brush a lock of hair from her face. Jacob was right, she was still slightly warm. But then again, she had only died less than 45 minutes ago.

How did it all go wrong so fast? I had no answer, and I don't think I ever would.

I bent down and placed a soft kiss on her mouth. She looked oddly peaceful in death. I had never believed this moment would ever happen. Never believed that I would ever have to say goodbye.

I left the room quietly; I had no idea what I would ever do now without her. It was one ting knowing she was off living her life; it was another realizing that she was gone.

I found Carlisle, he was watching as Jacob told Charlie and Billy the news. Billy had a skeptical look on his face but his son quickly assured him that Bella was indeed gone.

"Dad, before Bella-" he couldn't say it "Before she left, she named the twins."

Both Charlie and Billy looked at him, both had tears streaming down their cheeks "Dad, she named out daughter Sarah Jane after Mom" he sobbed "Our son in called Jonah"

"After her brother" Charlie said softly

"What?" Jacob seemed confused

"Bella had been a twin…her brothers was named Jonah"

I was stunned, as well Bella had never mentioned a brother, or that she had been a twin.

There was so much I never knew about her, so many questions I never was able to ask.

And now I never would.


End file.
